04.25.21--- Vaccine Graduation

I’m the kind of person that has fake conversations, fake presentations and even fake arguments with themselves in their head about things that may never happen… or could happen. This usually and most frequently happens in the shower or while I am trying to fall asleep. I anticipate a friend or family member commenting on something that is in contrast to my own beliefs, and that predicted argument begins a spiral of anxiety that my brain begins to prepare for. I am already planning out my rebuttals and oral arguments. In real life, I know I’m not a good debater. In the heat of the moment, I forget my standing ground, I drop the ball on my points, I become dumb and succumb to the other person. After the fact, I agonize over the ‘what I could’ve saids’ and the ‘oh I shoulda said this…’. So, in turn, I try to prepare beforehand. I hold fake debates before they happen on a slim chance that when they do happen in real life, I may have an opportunity to already be prepared. But like the spiral…. it goes in circles, and I drop the ball…

Tonight’s shower argument entails the ever-discussed covid vaccine. 4 days ago, I got my second shot of the Moderna variety and a lingering side effect has been the annoyingly itchy rash that has made itself comfortable on my left arm. Deciding not to the count the minutes, I closed my eyes and let the cold-water pound against my upper arm, hoping to alleviate some of the itch. During this time, I imagined actual numbers floating around my body: 48; 1,000; 72 million; 100,000; 800; 7; 96,068 and so on… knowing full well that I didn’t have a clear answer as to how many people have actually died due to this virus. I knew I would never be able to comprehend the vast number of lives lost to this. So many people not able to stare at their toes in the shower like I was doing right then and there. It’s hard to fathom. And it makes me angry. It makes me sad. It makes me indifferent. It makes me fortunate. It makes me happy. It makes me…. feel… so many things all at once…. and also numb to the all the faceless people that have perished without ever knowing them.

I have taken this pandemic seriously. I “voluntarily” left my job in retail, I have holed myself up in my apartment, I have declined seeing family and friends, and only seeing certain people under specific social distancing standards. I have made it a point to keep myself and those around me safe. It only took me a few weeks to build up that gut resentment toward others when I'd see strangers NOT wearing masks, or NOT social distancing. I let grow the spite for those people for being so selfish and uncaring. Those people deserved what they got if they got sick! But then they'd just fall into that pool of causalities by this virus. Another number to feel bad about. Another person dies, another life claimed, another tragedy. Here I am working so hard and shutting myself away so others could play with fire only for me to end up feeling sad about their ashes as their number gets buried under so many others.

Then the vaccine comes along. Finally… a relief! But as I sit behind the screens seeing so many others weep tears of joy for there shots, I feel indifferent. I still feel trapped. I’ve hidden away for so long and loathed uncaring people for so long… how long will it take for me not to tense up when I see someone without a mask? Those festering anxieties I’ve lived with for this past year will still be present, but are now morphed into a new shape. Although I am now protected, others may not be and I feel it is my duty to make sure I am still safe around others. I still feel the requirement for wearing masks, and do so happily. But now the new war is between pro-vaxers and anti-vaxers. You already know which side I fight for.

In case you didn’t know, this super liberal human writing to you now, did not come from liberal stock. I was born and bred in the Catholic-praying Republican nuclear family. It has ultimately saddened me, upon other things, to learn that a small faction of my family has decided they are not, in fact, going to get vaccinated, due to whatever pick-of-the-week reason. It dumbfounds me. But the bottom line is that they are my family. Regardless of our differing politics and beliefs, I care about them. I care about their wellbeing. Therefore, it hurts my heart that they are so uncaring about their own health and safety much less that of others around them. The worst part is, when I finally DO decide to see them in person, and they learn that I, myself, HAVE been vaccinated, they will likely say something snarky to me, something asshole-ish, something combative just to stroke their own ego. This right here, THIS… this is the spark that ignites those fake conversations with myself. Shit, this stuff makes me want to prepare complete POWERPOINT presentations! I could go down a whole rabbit hole of medical research and science revolving around the pros of getting the vaccine, but that’s a whole 10th grade biology report I don’t need to do, so I won’t. You can do the legwork. But this kind of behavior makes me not want to social media announce my vaccine graduation like other friends and family have done. The way I see it is... why NOT get the vaccine.

Let me paint you a picture… You’re going to go on a cruise ship. Rumor has it… lots of ships have been going down these days. Death is probable going onto this ship. Because of this, a new-fangled LIFE VEST has become available to take with you on the “USS I’m Probably Going to Sink” ship. BUTTTTT…. feel free to not take it, and hope that you are an *excellent* swimmer. And even if you ARE a great swimmer, you may still suffer from some pretty bad lung damage, long term fatigue, etc. and so forth. But…. this life vest…. it’ll save you from all that hardship. It’ll save your life AAANNNNDDDD possibly be there for someone else to hold onto while they are trying to swim. A two-fer I guess you could say. Sounds like a good deal right? To me, I’d be silly not to take the vest.

I’d be silly not to take a life-saving vaccine. It’s common sense. But I’m just a liberal nut job so who cares what I think.

So… I’ve gotten my second shot. Major side effects have passed. My arm is still itchy and red and hot and annoying. The next time I get to see a friend or family member, my brain tells me it will finally be safer to enjoy their company without a mask, to embrace that long missed hug, to sit next to them without fear of one of us getting sick. I should feel all this relief and be singing and dancing and boasting about this ball and chain that has been unlocked and removed from my foot now that I am swimming in these sweet sweet antibodies. But all I feel is sadness for those who weren’t able to make it to the finish line. I feel grief for hundreds of thousands of people I don’t know who have perished because of selfish-ness and ignorance in people’s non-social distancing personal behaviors. I feel future anxieties about interactions and arguments with people I care about because they will likely mock me for a health decision I have made for myself that was born out of caring and concern and empathy. I want to celebrate and shout to the world “I AM FULLY VACCINATED” and splatter that shit all over my social media like a good little programmed robot. But alas, I hold back and instead fight the fake and pretend fights in my head in the shower or while I am trying to fall asleep. And I get angry again and the spiral continues.